Saturday, 4 June 2011

Self appraisal

"It's all very weird", the man behind the serving counter said, as he poured hot water on to the tea bag in my cup, " Earl Grey with milk!  Thai noodles with a fork?".  Yes, it's pretty weird being me, I thought, as I sipped the fragrant tea and reflected on things.  I was back to the basics.  I had felt to be the victim of recent events and had narrated my side of the story to a colleague, whose surprising and somewhat shocking reaction had been, "Well, it's natural for 'so and so' to have been the way they were with you."  I was hurt and infuriated that the colleague had justified the offending party's behaviour and called it natural.  After fuming over it for a day and gradually allowing myself to mull over it, the realisation came to me that I was all in all quite an intolerant and self-righteous person when it came to morals and principles.  In my world, there seemed to be no room for anyone to err or be less than perfect in their behaviour and lifestyle!  It occurred to me that I may have been leading a militantly hostile life all this while, unknown to me, yet obvious and uncomfortable for others around me, to say the least.

It then led to some self-questioning:
- Why did it matter so much to me to continue being righteous about what had happened?  Wasn't the loss and the lesson learned enough?
- What did it matter anymore as to who was right and who was wrong?  The damage had already been done.

In the end, only kindness matters.  Kindness to others and to one's self.  A fresh start is needed.

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